transitions

shot of lanterns from 祇園祭 taken at another transitional time in my life

I am someone who tends to get worked up over changes in life - even changes that are objectively good or changes that I am actually looking forward to. At some level I know that change needs to happen in life because, without change, how can any progress be made. That being said, I've discovered that I become the most anxious in moments of transition where I move from one state (maybe both literally and figuratively) to the next. I am currently in a moment of flux as I move from the place I will always call home to a place with new possibilities which pleases me and excites me a great deal.

I'll miss having my mother so close the most. My mother and I are incredibly close and I value her insights, her humor, and her kindness so much, which makes it difficult to think that I won't have quick access to the comfort she brings. Thankfully, with the nature of my job and my partner's job (as a soon-to-be-inducted double PhD student) we can come back for holidays and random visits much more regularly. His family is from the same state and he is also close to his family, so coming home is important to him as well.

All in all the changes are good and I am basically living a best-case-scenario life here in terms of my job, my location, and such. Yet, there is the lingering sense that a chapter is closing in my life and that from this point on things can't return to the way they were. At the end of the day, I am thankful that I have people (and a bichon-poo) around me who help me with all the inevitable transitions in life - what could be better than that?

Here's to new beginnings and continuing the sojourn!

more thoughts on positivity

A week ago I wrote a post on how I personally keep myself positive. The more I thought about the notion of positivity and the more I have come to realize how much of a buzzword it is across the blogosphere right now (I guess it's part of the zeitgeist), I felt that there was a little more that needed to be said.

One thing I feel the need to clarify is the fact that although I do believe (from personal experience) that being positive is a healthier mindset to have in general, I do not believe in positivity in the sense of the law of attraction. I do believe that this type of thinking is true to an extent - for example, I find that when you always believe less of yourself, you tend to not be as successful, because you cannot visualize yourself succeeding. You absolutely can set up mental blocks for yourself that inhibit your ability to succeed. There is definitely some truth to the idea that having a positive mindset will lead to positive outcomes. That being said, if you do wish to go along with this worldview, you would need to agree with it's secondary implication: that if bad things are happening to you, it is because you are not thinking the right types of positive thoughts. In other words, you are not positive enough.

I do have a bone to pick with the law of attraction when you extrapolate its basic premise out to its logically conclusion: that good things will come to you if you think positive thoughts and bad things will come to you if you have negative thoughts. This view of positivity came out most clearly in the book The Secret and I will be honest will you: I believe that this worldview is incredibly privileged and places blame on individuals who are themselves victims of circumstances outside of their ability to "think the bad away". The universe is not that simple and placing the fault on someone's mindset is ridiculous, to be quite frank. If we are to actually follow through with what The Secret and books like it are contending, we would (logically) have to state that those in poverty are there not because of wide-spread and well-documented systemic prejudice...but because of their thoughts?  

I believe that focusing so much on the law of attraction-esque mindset is unfair to those who are going through difficult circumstances that are wholly outside of their control - let alone outside of their modes of thinking. It is not fair to simply tell someone to "be more positive" when they are struggling with depression, with abuse, with tragic loss, etc. Rather than telling these individuals that they need to be positive about their circumstances, we should be saying to them: yes, that really sucks and I will help you, as much as I can, to make things suck less.

There is a balance that has to be maintained between positivity and admitting when things are terrible, and outside of your control. A really pertinent example of this is the disproportionate number of people of color who are killed at the hands of police. The same thing could be said of children who are victims of violence that are completely and utterly unprovoked (such as the terribly Sandy Hook shooting). Are these deaths due to individuals' inability to be positive? At what age are individuals responsible for the bad things that happen to them because they did not "think good thoughts"?

And this is where my criticism lies with the law of attraction: it does not hold up to genuine critique once you move it outside of its own perimeters. Just to be clear here, I do believe that being positive is the better route to take, I truly do. However, I have been seeing so many posts on Positivity lately (and specifically the type of positivity that is laid out in the law of attraction) that I felt that I needed to be more clear on what my personal definition of positivity is. I believe that there are many, many aspects of your life that can be improved by staying positive - but I would never agree that positivity is the only thing that governs what happens to us.

on staying positive

A new year inevitably means new year's resolutions. I haven't had strict "resolutions" for the past few years, because my resolutions are always pretty much the same: keep exercising, keep reading, and keep budgeting. In fact, my Book List/Currently Reading tab began as a way to keep track of the books I read at a time when I had fallen out of the habit of reading for fun. Ever since I took off the pressure of making "New Years Resolutions", I found that I was more successful at achieving my three simple goals. I just used the new year as a time to remind myself to stick to these three lifestyle choices.

However, I did want to add in another mini-resolution for 2015: staying positive.

I know that positivity is kind of a buzzword within the blogging community right now and I think that it's a great thing that a lot of people are talking about it. For one thing, it's a great reminder when you see another person post about positivity. More importantly, it's fun to see how others keep themselves focused on staying positive, because we all have different activities that put us in a positive headspace. Getting a range of ideas for staying positive only gives you more material to work with!

Here's what I do to stay positive:

- surround yourself with positive people // I have seen this one on a number of lists and for good reason. I am definitely someone who sucks up emotion (particularly negative emotions) like a sponge, so if I am constantly around negative people, then I become negative too. I think that more people see certain emotions as being particularly contagious: Sara Ahmed writes that "Anxiety is sticky: rather like Velcro, it tends to pick up whatever comes near". I think the same can be said for positivity as well, which is why I try to surround myself with people who are intentionally positive.

- force yourself to refocus // I am as guilty as anyone when it comes to falling into negativity. For various reasons I also tend to lean more towards negativity than I'd like to admit. To combat that tendency, I started keeping a special notebook in which I write down five things I am thankful for each day. I heard on NPR's "The Science of Happiness" that the happiest (i.e. the most positive) people were also those who were the most grateful. It's easy to forget the many good aspects of your life when you are hitting an emotionally low point. However, I've found that manually changing my perspective and making myself write down the good things in my life has made me a more positive person.

- learn to think long-term // Sometimes the things that make us more negative are situational. Often times this means that you can't always remove yourself from the person or situation that is causing you to be more negative. This could be something like loss of a job, family issues, or financial issues. What helps me during moments of situational negativity is to remember to think long-term. Whatever the situation is, it will not be that way forever. In the meantime, take care of yourself and do as much as you can to keep yourself positive - whether that be teaching yourself a new skill, pouring new energy into hobbies, or even exercising. Taking your mind off the problem and looking toward the future definitely helps to but some things in perspective.

How do you keep yourself positive?

2014: a retrospective

Another year has come and gone, which means that it is prime time for reflection. This past year has been full of ups and downs (what year isn't though?) - but looking back here are my top five memories of 2014!

• graduating with a Master's degree from the University of Chicago: how can this not stay at the top of my list? Not only was my time at UChicago an amazing academic experience (which forced me to grow as a scholar), but I also had the opportunity to explore the amazing sights of Chicago during my academic down-time. I have so many great memories exploring down town Chicago with two amazing girls that I became very close to during my program. One of the most iconic sights was the Bean - or Cloudgate as it is officially called, but who calls it that anyway? - and I found myself returning to it multiple times along my commute to work.

• attending a Natsume Soseki conference: I took a PhD seminar course on fascism and Japanese culture which covered political and literary texts from the Meiji, Taisho, and early Showa eras. The professor teaching the course was presenting at a Soseki conference at the University of Michigan at Ann Arbor so my friend (who also was in the seminar) and I attended the conference. I absolutely love academic conferences in general because I really enjoy seeing scholars and students present on topics that they are passionate about. Although the focus of the conference was on the works of Soseki, the presenters took their papers in so many varied directions from specific texts (「心」["Kokoro"] was a particularly popular text, as was 満韓ところどころ ["Manchuria and Korea, Here and There"]) to more general social or historical issues. That particular period of world history is part of what I focus on in my own studies so although this was a conference that was technically outside of my discipline, it was fascinating to see how these papers intersected with my own work.

• working with Trio Upward Bound: during the summer of 2014 I taught English literature to a group of high schoolers who come from low socio-economic backgrounds and who are on track to becoming the first members of their families to attend college - which is such an amazing accomplishment! My boyfriend (who actually has a teaching license) has been a lead teacher in the program for three summers now and since he knew I needed a transitional job he suggested I join the team as well. Education in general, and literacy skills specifically, is a huge passion of mine so I jumped at the opportunity. I have taught elementary school children in the past, but high schoolers are a type of student that I tended to shy away from for some reason. However, these kids were phenomenal. Not only were they always eager to learn and participate in class, they were just all around solid, good kids. It was such a moving experience to work with them and I am hoping to return this coming summer.

• summer trip up north: another fun event of the summer was tagging along up north with my boyfriend and his family. We were able to spend a lot of time hiking, seeing the sights, and (in my case) taking a lot of gorgeous pictures. It's easy to forget how beautiful and calming nature can be, especially if you tend to stay in urban or suburban areas.

• attending a music theory conference: I guess that this was the year that I attended conferences outside of my discipline - although I will admit that this particular conference was really, really outside of what I do. I decided to tag along with my friend from undergrad, who is currently finishing up her MA in Music Theory, because my boyfriend and another mutual friend of ours was going to be attending the conference as well. Though I have done a lot of music for the majority of my life (I have played the viola since I was 10 and was in a touring orchestra for four years), I definitely do not do music academically. Hell, my undergraduate viola professor would often try to ask me easy "theory" questions about intervals and I struggled to answer - much to his dismay. Thankfully, my musical background kept me from being wholly lost, but a lot of the talks went right over my head! That being said, it was so much fun to spend time with friends that I hadn't seen for two years.

Overall, 2014 was a great year for me and now I'm eagerly awaiting 2015 and all that it has to offer! Hope everyone has a safe and fun New Year!

merry christmas from this sojourner!

For those of you who celebrate Christmas today, I hope you have a fantastic day - and for those of you who do not celebrate Christmas, I hope your holiday season has been wonderful so far! Thank you for visiting my little corner of the internet and I will see you in the new year :)

Happy and safe holidays to you and your loved ones!

some real talk

 

We'll start this post off with a nice little pep-talk that I got last night from my Yogi Tea bag as it was steeping and as dumb as it sounds, it was nice to read because I really needed to hear it. Interestingly, the inspo-tea (as it were) wasn't telling me that life has to be amazing every single moment of every single day - instead it says to enjoy every moment. A moment doesn't become enjoyable necessarily because something great is happening, you can find ways to make yourself shift your perspective in order to find a way to enjoy a moment...even if they are not great.

I'm just about done with my Master's degree and while I am so glad that I was able to have the opportunity (not only to go to graduate school but also to go to such an amazing institution) I will be real with you and say that a good chunk of this year - especially the last two terms - have sucked.The program is great, but what they attempt to make us do in a year is insane especially at the level of the University of Chicago where you (as a MA student) have to do more work than the PhD students. To put it in perspective, PhD students take 5 classes per year and are fully funded + given a stipend for the first 5 years. Thus, the majority of the PhDs I spoke to here do not do teaching nor do they have a significant job on the side. Plus, they can put off their term papers indefinitely, so I know a few PhD students who still have papers left over from there first year here. 

On the flip side, the people in my program take 9 classes per year, while writing their thesis on top of their usual class load (most courses in English lit have 20 page papers due at the end of each term so 20pgs x 3 classes per term + your 30+ page thesis + 100+ pages of readings per week = a lot of stuff) and most of us have a job in order to make ends meet, because we have zero funding.

All that was to say that it has been rigorous and although I do not regret coming here at all, I now know that there is no way I could ever do a PhD here - mostly because the average PhD takes 7+ years to complete at UChicago. Imagining being in this environment for 7+ years makes me cringe. But if I hadn't done this program, I would never know what type of environment I would like or need to survive, I wouldn't know for sure if I even wanted to go to grad school, and I wouldn't have the language through which to talk about my field in a way that makes me sound like I actually know stuff. That is how I'm forcing myself to enjoy my last moments here, even though I have literally been counting down the days until I graduate. 

Another amazing blessing that came out of this program, on a non-academic level, are three phenomenal girls who became some of my best friends. If I hadn't done this I would never have met them and I honestly can't imagine not having them in my life (how did I survive before??). They have been there for me when I needed to gripe about how ridiculous the systems are at UChicago but they also were there to celebrate how beautiful Chicago is (FRIDAY FUNDAYS!).

So at the end of the day, it's really about perspective and I have been noticing myself inching more towards being a downer, which is something I'm not usually. So I got a nice slap in the face from my Yogi Tea and decided to change my act.

This post was not sponsored by Yogi Tea ;P

japan: my grandfather

I thought I'd post a little something different today and get a little more personal since this is a personal blog. I always enjoy when other bloggers talk about the elements that make up who they are as people, so I thought I'd start with some Japan posts, beginning with my family. People often ask who my inspirations in life are and I'll be the first to admit that my inspirations don't go far beyond the bounds of family but since I have found myself needing more and more inspiration these days, I thought I'd write about one: my grandfather. 

My grandfather worked for the Toyota company when it first began decades ago and was the first person from the company to go to New York in 1957 and open up shop, as it were. The first person. Ever. In the years after WWII, Japan’s economy was in shambles - like the rest of the country - so the only way to salvage it was to get foreign currency circulating within it. In this case, the US dollar. Problem was, basically no one on the international scene even wanted anything Japan had to offer (which, to be honest, wasn’t much). My grandfather described these early exports as primitive - ceramic plates, bowls, silk stockings, etc. So Toyota scraped up adequate funds, sent my grandfather over for six months with a few traveler’s checks and ordered him to try and get the Americans interested in Japanese exports. But this was a whole lot easier said than done because everything about Japanese exports was wrong. When my grandfather would bring samples to potential customers, they’d find something to pick at: the color was wrong, the shape was wrong and (in the case of fabrics) even the weave was wrong. All this time my grandfather was sending back reports to Toyota stating what the issues were and, over a good deal of time, the quality of Japanese goods improved to the point that Americas were buying. Thus, the Toyota Trading Company was born.

My grandfather worked with the international trade branch within the Toyota company, which includes the automobile branch but extends far beyond it. I always forget to distinguish between the two since, growing up, Toyota was always more or less a single entity in my mind consisting of both branches. However, I began realizing that to most people Toyota is merely the name of an automobile maker. So to clarify: my grandfather was the vice-president of Toyota North-America, but presided over international trade which naturally included cars but also fabrics, foodstuffs, etc etc etc. He is currently retired and has been for years though he is still marginally involved in the company. He is part of the Toyota Society, a group of retirees who meet a few times a month for business affairs as well as chummy fun - golf, ma-jung and luncheons. He also is the auditor for his friend’s engineering company, which keeps him busy. Sometimes I think he should take it easy, not to take on so much and to relax more. A big part of me is afraid of when my grandfather passes away and I don’t really want him to rush that day, though it will come when it wants to, I suppose. I don’t know, I can hear the voices of my mom and some friends telling me not to worry about it, about my grandfather’s inevitable death. And I don’t think about it often, obviously, just when I am reminded that he is getting old and that no one lives forever. I will admit that when he passes away, I will be crushed for a very long time.

My grandmother always called him katsuo, a kind of fish that is constantly moving because were it to stop moving it would die. There is a legend in Japan about the katsuo who constantly swim around the world, not because it was afraid it would die were it to stop - it kept swimming simply because it loved movement and didn’t want to stop. That describes my grandfather perfectly, he is always on the go, not egged on by a fear of death. He is always in a suit, no matter where we’re going, be it a quick run to the grocery store or to an orchestra concert in an upscale concert hall. In fact, I have never seen him not wearing a suit in public. A few years ago we went shopping together and came across the men’s jeans section of the store. He paused for a moment, hands clasped behind his back, dressed in a grey pin-stripe suit, black shoes polished and suddenly looks over at me and said, “Maybe I should start wearing jeans, wouldn’t that be different!” with a laugh. I laughed right along with him, trying to picture him in a pair of jeans. And you know what? I couldn’t do it. I am so used to seeing him in his suits, looking perfectly comfortable and casual just as I feel in my jeans and cardigans, that to picture him any other way was nigh impossible. Needless to say, he’s still sticking to the suits. He is a businessman at heart but also a businessman with a heart. Growing up as a teenager during WWII and the years following, he was confronted with the jarring reality of life in a country on the losing side of war (never a fun place to be). For years people were starving to death around him and there was never enough of anything. One thing I always admired about my grandfather was how human he is, how conscientious of others around him whether it was people he came across in business circles, societal circles or someone he passed in the grocery store. He was a very successful businessman, but the money never got to his head. Instead, the images of starvation and struggle remain firmly imbedded within him; his greatest joy comes from making other people happy. We were eating at a very fancy, delicious sushi shop one night and as I ate (with ‘child-like bliss’ my uncle later informed me) my grandfather watched me with such joy in his eyes. My uncle looks over and says with a grin, “Grandpa grew up in a time when everyone starved to death so his greatest joy is watching the people he loves eat good food”.

The war taught my grandfather and those in his generation to persevere and work themselves to the bone because there was no other alternative. He helped build one of the largest and most successful companies in the world, yet still remains incredibly down-to-earth. It’s insane. He is accepting, he is loving, he is understanding and compassionate. I wish that everyone had someone in their life like him, someone to look you square in the eye lovingly but firmly tell you to keep going, to keep on chugging away at life. Someone to whom you can look at and realize that yes, love does in fact cover a multitude of sins - including those that were inflicted upon you.

I hope that someday I can be like him. I don’t know how realistic that is, but there’s nothing wrong with having lofty goals, yes?

some real talk

HAPPY OCTOBER! And happy first day of some classes for me, yesterday.

A good portion of all the small talk I had with people yesterday revolved around the fact that we cannot believe it is already October...and the fact that we can't believe how late the University starts its Fall Term. Like most schools, my undergrad institution was on the semester system, so by this time we were already planning for mid-terms and getting excited for fall break. NOT SO ANYMORE. The University is on a quarter system, so we began this academic year on October 1st and we go until June 27th. Which is all something very new for me, but something two of my good friends experienced at their undergrad college - so at least I had heard of the quarter system before I arrived.

Now that the term is up and kicking, we also received our first paper back. Now let me say a few things about the difference between undergraduate vs. graduate papers. The obvious one is that you are expected to have a much more mature writing style and a more concrete grasp on what is it you want to argue. That is all well and good - but here's the curve ball. My theory course requires us to write four papers a term, and these papers must be in the style of analytic exposition.

[cue horror music]

An analytic exposition is a paper where you do not get to argue anything, you don't get to set up your own critiques, and you certainly don't get to engage really in any way with the text. All you get to do is pick apart the original argument, figure out what the grounds are for their argument, how the grounds support the argument, examine how the argument pertains to the rest of the work, and then determine the stakes of the argument. To put it plainly, you are explaining how someone else's argument is functioning BUT you can't make any value judgements on it yourself. Needless to say this is not the kind of paper I am used to writing and so when we handed it in, I was quite worked up over it. I was SURE I was going to get a D or lower because I have no past experience with this type of writing and I felt like I was floundering.

Definitely had a moment of impostor syndrome where I thought that they'll find me out and kick me out of the program because I clearly don't belong here!! This paper must have revealed all!!

But surprisingly that's not what happened. Turns out I got one of the highest grades and even though I definitely need to keep my preceptor's comments in mind for my next paper (on Hegel, no less - someone just kill me right now), I had made a limping move in the right direction. By no means am I saying that I understand how to write these types of papers, but I am kind of maybe getting the hang of it. Another thing that helped me muscle my way through that first attempt was that I can see how the analytic exposition forces us to look closely at and to allow ourselves to momentarily immerse ourselves in an argument in order to see its benefits as well as the flaws. These exercises will help me reflect on my own arguments and will, hopefully, let me see the holes in my thinking before someone else does!

Our next paper is due next week and, as I woefully mentioned earlier, it is on Hegel. Whom no one understands. Least of all myself, with my limited philosophy background. But I'm going to try my darndest anyway!

And finally, apropos of nothing: my new shoes came in the mail yesterday and I AM IN LOVE.

I have an interview today so these shoes arrived at the perfect time! And now that these babies are here, I am definitely being more aware of spending and budgeting - let's hope the job works out!